Good days and bad days, we've all had them. And they look different to each of us.
Wyatt, photo by Sara.
For me, a good day is when I wake up and remember that I have a grandson Wyatt, who is growing so much and is so adorable. I love combing through the pictures I have on the computer, each one makes me smile and each one makes me wonder what he was doing the minute before and the minute after it was taken. For me, a bad day is when I wake up and remember that I have a grandson Wyatt, who is growing so much and is so adorable. All I can do is comb through pictures on the computer, each one makes me smile one second and cry the next. I always wonder what he is doing just before and just after the picture was taken. I know he has a life, but I don't know it. I'm afraid he won't know me either. Apparently, knowing someone as precious as Wyatt, is a privilege only assigned to some. On my bad days, I just turn off the computer and walk away, thankful that I have pictures, but long to hold and play with him.
For me, a good day is being at the store or walking around the mall and seeing things that I would love to give to Wyatt. All the adorable clothes, shoes, toys, books, movies, Cd's and other baby/little boy paraphernalia that Toys R Us, Macy's or Kohl's has to offer that are just irresistible. I always thought that I would be a shoe-junkie and buy my grandchildren lots of shoes like I did my own children and believe me, I've walked away from about 50 pairs already and he's only 8-1/5 months old! For me, a bad day is being at the store or walking around the mall and seeing things that I would love to give to Wyatt. There's a moment when something catches my eye, that spark of adrenaline shoots through my veins, my hand reaches for it....maybe even picks it up...then it hits me, his mom doesn't want this for him. In my heart of hearts, knowing that one of my spiritual gifts is giving, I really and truly want to share what I have and what I love with my grandson. But the difficulty comes when it's not acknowledge that it's been received, or that it's a right fit, or that it's even appreciated or wanted. Apparently, being able to give to someone like Wyatt, is a privilege only assigned to some. So, on my bad days, what I see at the store or the mall, reluctantly goes back on the shelf, with a tear, a sigh and my throat feeling all choked up. My heart takes a ding, and I keep walking.Usually, Michael puts an arm around me and says not to worry.
Not too long ago I shared these feelings with a close friend, one of those "inner-circle" friends who both knows you and loves you. In the course of our conversation, my friend said to me "why don't you just buy those things anyway? You know that he would love them someday. And if you don't send them or take them now put them in a box." This was like a lightening bolt! Of course, why didn't I think of that. Go broke buying things for Wyatt that he would never get. (note the cynicism!) But the reality is, she was right. I got to thinking about this...what if I did get a special box, label it "Wyatt's Box" and when I find things that have special value and meaning that I want to share with him, buy it, wrap it and put it in the box. It would be a step of faith that says one day I WILL see and know my grandson. I already have faith, but it's the taking of the step to do something that will move me in the right direction, both emotionally and physically. I have faith that Wyatt and I will know each other, being prepared for those moments when we are together will be priceless when they do happen. Can you imagine the look on his face when he opens the box for the first time and realizes that what is inside is just for him?
My to-do list this weekend includes finding a box, and not just any box. It has to be a Wyatt Box. And while I'm at it...I'm getting a Lily Box, too. There's not the tension, drama or sense of rejection from that side, so I know it will be warmly and lovingly accepted. Both Michael and I love to give. That's just the bottom line. So, give we shall do. At least, we'll do the shopping now, and the actual giving when the time is right. Just preparing for those moments gives us pleasure and joy. In this case, the anticipation is as great as the event. We will wait until we are afforded the privilege of giving, though it won't be easy.
No more bad days because of others peoples choices. They can choose to be distant, choose to reject, choose to close off part of their life. But if every part of our life isn't 100%, we need to recognize where, find out why and get to work making it happen, life is to freaking short. My life isn't complete, isn't 100% without a relationship with Wyatt or his mom. I recognize that. The figuring out why will have to come at a later date, but for now, I'm doing what I love to do and it will be a blessing to someone. I just pray it's Wy. :)
Wyatt, photo by Sara.